Sound Destruction: I LIED TODAY

Wednesday, June 15, 2005


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A woman approached me in the parking lot while I was putting my little one in her car seat...

Woman: "Excuse me..."

Me: "Yes?"

Woman: "In the troubling times we face today, I wanted to share the good news with you.."
(What - Bush is being impeached?!)

*attempts to hand me a religious pamphlet*

Me: "Oh, no thanks, I'm not interested."

Woman: "Everyone can learn from the Bible...."

Me: "I'm sorry, but I'm Jewish."

Woman: (following pregnant pause) "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know".
(damn, you'd think I just told her I was dying of aids or something!)

So here's the thing. I'm not Jewish. Technically I'm a Christian, but I just don't participate in organized religion. I don't fault people for their support of organized religion, it's just not something I feel comfortable with. Nor do I have anything against Jewish people - in fact, my best friend and her family are Jewish. What I do find fault with is obnoxious people, like this woman, trying to ram their religious views down my unsuspecting throat...which is why I lied today.


Blogger Helen said...

I don't blame you. I have to admit, I got a little excited there when I read that Bush statement! There's always tomorrow, I suppose.

10:28 PM  
Blogger SheaNC said...

You lied to be nice to her. That's not so bad. But now you must do penance. Luckily, your friends in cyberspace will determine a suitable method for you to be cleansed of your sins. To start, try visiting Betty Bowers, and begin the long road back to moral superiority...

11:45 PM  
Blogger Chris Woods said...

It is what I would've done...

12:08 AM  
Anonymous Tom Harper said...

I can't stand that condescending attitude of some of those Jesus peddlers. One day (a long time ago) two religious solicitors came to our front door. I didn't want to waste their time or mine, so I quickly said "I'm not interested." And one of the Bible people repeated "not interested in the Bible" in this slow, even tone, like she was repeating a tragic diagnosis. By her tone she could have been saying "not able to comprehend simple reading" or "subject to sudden irrational outbursts." I was relieved to be rid of them but it was still a very irritating encounter.

3:56 AM  
Blogger Kid Bastard said...

That was awesome, Sar! I'm going to have to use that, though, to be honest, I also like having fun with them if I have the time. But for those occasions when I don't, I am definitely saying I'm Jewish.

I had a great time playing with the Jesus folks one Sunday morning. A woman had stopped by the house on a Sunday, but it was really early and we'd had a raucous party the night before, so I was massively hungover. I asked that she come back the following week. I'd wanted to have my fun, you see, but wasn't quite at my best.

Anyway, the next week she came back, and brought someone I assume was her pastor. I invited them in, offered them coffee and proceeded to politely listen to their whole spiel. I even chimed in with some stuff I knew about Jesus, and they were so totally convinced that they'd bagged another convert.

Then, just as they were about to leave, I said, "Now it's my turn." I then proceeded to preach to them about how wonderful Paganism was, specifically Wicca, and how we can all find true peace and harmony through communion with the Goddess. Which is particularly ironic, since Pagans don't, as a rule, evangelize.

It was awesome. I could tell they wanted to just tear out of there and never look back, but how could they? I'd been so polite! So, I kept talking for a while and then finally let them off the hook. After a few hasty goodbyes, they bolted from my house and I never saw them again.

::sigh:: That was fun. I really want to try it with Jehovah's Witnesses next.

9:58 AM  
Blogger Nedhead said...

Mr. Bastard, I shall follow in your footsteps the next time those little mormons come a knockin', that was awesome!

10:40 AM  
Anonymous Bottom Feeder said...

I admit that some of them can be quite pushy. But for the most part, they are quite polite and are just trying to be helpful. The Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door once. They shared a few passages of the Bible with me, I thanked them, and we both went our way.

I used to be a Mormon missionary (back when I was that age). If we went to a door and someone said they weren't interested, we went on our merry way.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

The last time the Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door, I decided to invite them in and discuss my religion with them, The Church of the Subgenius. I told them all about J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, about how they too could achieve slack for just $30, about X-Day, and about smoking large pipefulls of 'frop. I even busted out my Book of the Subgenius and I showed them the benefits of my church such as the Short Duration Marriage. They were pretty freaked out, but they came back a few times.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

I was lost at a train station one time and two Jehovah's Witnesses came up to me. I asked them for directions, but they didn't or couldn't help. They offered me a copy of The Watchtower which I accepted since I'd asked for their help. I went out to the street and a man was coming up the sidewalk. I turned to him to wait for him to get close enough to ask. He stepped out in the street and kept walking. I walked to the curb to ask directions when he came past and he started running. I tried to flag him down and he said "Man, I don't want to hear about the damn Watchtower." It took me ten minutes before I could stop laughing long enough to ask someone else.

1:34 PM  
Blogger PATCAM2005 said...

How are you ever going to become a part of the vast right wing conspiri-SY (South Park Term), if you don't listen to the minions?

1:59 PM  
Blogger Nedhead said...

My apologies to the Mormon crowd. I have family members who went on mission, and though I disagree with proselytizing, I agree that they are not forceful nor condescending in their approach. Poor bastards have to weat ties, no matter how f'in hot it gets!

3:34 PM  
Blogger strider said...


1 entry found for proselytizing.
pros·e·ly·tize Pronunciation Key (prs-l-tz)
v. pros·e·ly·tized,pros·e·ly·tiz·ing, pros·e·ly·tiz·es
v. intr.

1.To induce someone to convert to one's own religious faith.
2.To induce someone to join one's own political party or to espouse one's doctrine.

sorry. I had to look it up...sometimes I am slow on the uptake.

3:51 PM  
Blogger MoxieGrrrl said...

I had one come up to me in Caldors (remember that store?) while I was shopping for heavy metal tapes. Tried to get me to pray with her.

I find those kind of people a bit odd.

Also had mormons show up at my first apartment. It was freezing out, so I let them come in to warm up. They were nice and polite, and when my parents showed up to visit, they left saying what a nice daughter they had.

So see? I'm not ALWAYS evil!

10:08 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

I can't help but have a soft spot for Mormons. They're so friendly and wholesome! I'm not going to go join their church or anything, but I do really enjoy their company. Half of my wife's family are Mormon. Whenever we go to a family reunion, I'm reminded of the list of things that I'm not allowed to say.

4:39 PM  
Blogger strider said...

what should you not say?

just wondering.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Camila said...

Nice blog.

i might have been tempted to say I was a satanist, just to get into an argument...

actually, my town is so religious that there aren't many conversion attempts. It'd be preaching to the choir, as it were. also, I've had a soft spot in my heart for mormon missionaries ever since I hit a carful of them.

They were very nice about it.

11:00 AM  
Blogger strider said...

I want to get into a religious argument!

I have never been approached.

maybe I look unsaveable. if I am ever approached I am using the satanism line.

thanks Camila

8:36 PM  
Anonymous writergrrl said...

I always tell them, "Why, I'd love to hear what you have to say. But first, let me tell you about Amway!"

Hasn't failed to make the walk away quickly yet.

11:57 PM  
Blogger strider said...


that is funny

11:31 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

"what should you not say?"

Well for starters, no casual swearing, and that includes "hell" and "damn." Then no "taking the lord's name in vain" which means no "oh my god's," no "Jesus Christ's," and probably not even "jeez," or "sweet Jeebus."

Then there's the entire topic of politics which I can't bring up. There's my first movie which is full of bad language and angry politics which I can't bring up. There's most of the music I listen to which I can't bring up. Of course I can't retell my favorite Howard Stern stories! We can't bring up our annoying polyamorous friends. We can't bring up most of the movies we watch. South Park is definitely off limits.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Sar said...

Jason - I can just picture you getting in the car to leave such a shindig, just rounding the corner, then having spontaneous off-color verbal diahrrea!

6:22 PM  

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